Love with the right person lies at the heart of our deepest needs. In moments when we least expect (or want) it, we find this need properly satisfied by a person who, but one minor feature, makes the perfect candidate. We, as gay people, fall for the person whose sexual and emotional interests rest exclusively on people with genitals we ourselves fail to possess. Despite this feature our love for this right person burns amok, hoping to shift the nature of what reality reveals to what lies within the realms of our dreams.
Setting out on a journey of love can be a deeply enriching, inspiring and exciting endeavour. Given the finiteness of our physical existence, one would think our emotional and psychological selves would know better than to expend energy over people whose amorous interests forever lie outside our reach. The most useful consolation may be an understanding of what makes a gay person fall in love with the straight person who will never return his kind of love.
For the romantics among us, the right person is the ultimate fantasy. In our amorous make-up, the sexuality of those who hold our interest lies outside our interest. It is a human feature that resides within the physical vessel that encapsulates all of us, our bodies. Boring into this vessel comes with difficulty, it makes sensing truths offered by those who hold our interest impossible to grasp. We lose ourselves to the one who holds our interest in hope that we may find within him a truth that points to one thing: that he can, he will, and he does love us. Our friends sense a breach. They implore us to move on. We cannot: what will bring a desirous happy ending is the condition that we keep our love switched on. To find that truth that rested in the way he called our name, in the way he looked into our eyes, in the way he touched us so sensually while laughing at our jokes. As far as we know, he has failed to admit his love for us to himself because of the unfair nature of the world and the unkind circumstances of his life. This makes sense because these are the reasons we ourselves have deferred from revealing our deepest selves to him. We may, at rational moments, find within our minds the picture of what is real – that he will never love us the way we love him. Yet it is at these moments our love for him burns deepest. Why?
We should begin with this paradoxical premise: the reason straight persons hold our love is because we will never have their love. It offers us the perfect escape from living our truth. We can stay within a cocoon of falsehood that keeps us “pure”. Properly keep ourselves removed from the ultimate experience that marks a person as gay. In the case where the man, whose gait suggested his love for vagina, professed his love for us, it was easy to feel a kind of disdain. Not because we were not particularly into him but because, in the end, he turned out to be into us. The possibility of indulging in the act of homosexual copulation became too concrete to handle. Being on the receiving end of love can be unsettling. We, the recipients of romantic love, have little option but to look within ourselves to find the reason why those who have accorded us love have chosen to do so. We are broken. We are flawed. Those who find within themselves a burning desire for us must, therefore, be broken and flawed. Why else would they love us? We know the falsity that rests in our childhood lessons concerning our homosexual proclivity. But something about seeing it, about being at the centre of it, doesn’t feel quite right. So we leave our romantic gaze on those who will forever fail to remind us of what we subconsciously consider a fundamental flaw.
This line of reasoning seems unkind. Of course we love ourselves. We always have. We don’t even need actions to proof we do: we just feel it. The real problem comes from something else: available men are scarce. Those who we accord our love just – due to the unfair nature of the world – happen to have amorous interest divergent from ours. Also, no one ever goes I will now fall in love with that straight person. Love just happens. It is a force of nature that manifests outside the realms of our volition. We simply have not come across that person whose interests meets beautifully with our own. But with 7 billion+ people in the world and the (unverified) claim that one in every ten person has gay tendencies this justification we use to entertain loneliness is weak at best. Available men aren’t scarce. Also, falling in love with a person in one thing. Staying in love with that person is another. A more useful consideration is the psychological law of scarcity. It says humans tend to want what they cannot have. It’s the reason “bending” the straight guy is the ultimate fantasy of a good number of gay men.
It’s a natural proclivity we find straight men attractive. They fall within the category of people who stimulate our amorous interest: men. However, we will always desire more than they are capable of giving. Our interest should fall elsewhere. On the host of men willing to accord us boundless love, or at the least, accord us the kind of love we truly crave. We needn’t run away from men who do this because they remind us of us. Remind us that we carry a natural human feature uncelebrated by the world. We need pick ourselves up after falling into unfortunate circumstances of love and guide ourselves back into the journey of finding the man (or men) properly suited for us: the man who shares also in our amorous interest: the gay (or bisexual) man.
You are Awesome.