Don’t Deceive Yourself

When your preek is rising because of another man, there is only one way to put it. You are gay. You have all the right to deny it from others but try to defer from lying to yourself. If you must pick one, lying to yourself and lying to others, pick the latter. Never entertain pressure to admit anything to anyone. Admit your truth based on what makes you comfortable, what makes you feel safe.

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It’s tricky though, because attaining true safety requires entertaining healthy doses of discomfort. A safe place is that haven free of injurious things. It only exists in the imagination. Circumstances demand you engage with injurious things. Bacteria, automobiles, and unkind remarks all threaten your safety. You were vaccinated against tuberculosis with the bacteria that causes tuberculosis. A weak version of the bacteria was placed into your body to expose you to the threat. Your body saw the bacteria and built necessary defences to keep you safe. Without the controlled exposure you would probably be dead by now.

The way to become safe is to intelligently expose yourself to what threatens you. Some people call it facing your fear. Think about in terms of sustaining your safety. Refusing to admit to “abominable” bits of you may feel like the safest thing to do (and sometimes it is). But if you care about being alive in the best sense consider controlled exposures to the bits of life that threaten you. Start with yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and admit to who you are. Admitting a self truth with absolute dismissal of any obligation to convey such admission to anyone else is extremely helpful. It is the opposite path in the direction of deceiving yourself.

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